Golfing Jokes For You

25 May 2016 | By

 

 

 

All These Jokes are with Compliments from my Friend Lady Ros

The 10 Best Caddy Replies
# 10 — Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.” Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
# 9 — Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.” Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
# 8 — Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?” Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
# 7 — Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?” Caddy: “Eventually.”
# 6 — Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.” Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
# 5 — Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of A distraction.” Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”
# 4 on any day.”
# 3 — Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?” Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin
# 2 — Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.” Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
# 1 — Best Caddy Comment Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.” Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir
— Golfer: “How do you like my game?” Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”

 

         

 

 

banner_01A nun walked into Mother Superior’s office and plunked down into 
a chair. She let out a sigh heavy with frustration.

‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior.

‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’

it was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother.

We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a

talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed.

‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?

‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s
name in vain today!’

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.

‘You must tell me all about it!’                                                                                       images-pink-ping-golf-club1

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother
– 540 yard Par 5, with a

nasty dogleg right and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my
life. I creamed it.

The sweetest swing I ever made.  And it’s flying straight and true,
right along the

line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight!’

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate!

But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’

‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to
fathom what had happened,

this squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down                             woman-golf-course-15965616putting
the fairway!’

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.

‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘I was so proud of myself!
And while I

was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swooped out of the

sky, grabbed the squirrel and flew off, with my ball still clutched in
his paws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because
as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started
struggling, so the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the
ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the
cup!’

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,

fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

‘You missed the fecking putt, didn’t you?’                                                                                                    images golfer using callaway

  AN INTERESTING
OBSERVATION

 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL / NETBALL.
 
  2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
 
  3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
 
  4. The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET.
 
  5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
 
and…
 
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE amazing facts are, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

 
There must be a boat load bankers playing                                                                                     
marbles !!!!

A Golf Story:

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.
 
  So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the   attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
 
  ‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained, ‘and I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
 
  ‘Don’t worry,’ John said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’
 
  The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
 
  Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.  But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
 
  He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, “Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?’
 
  ‘Yes, I do,’ said Shawn

  ‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’
 
  ‘Well, um, yes!,’ Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’
 
  ‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’
 
    Shawn’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.  Why do you ask?’
 
  ‘She just died and left me everything.’  H A HA

Three Ladies are playing at a well-known golf course on the edge of Derby

when a naked man wearing nothing but a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees

and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, ‘He is definitely not my husband.’
The second lady gazes at his manhood and says, ‘He’s not mine either.’

BOOM BOOM!!

 A man goes to a public golf course.

He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, “I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.”

The man behind the counter says, “The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of our caddies are out on the course.

But – we just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you’re willing to take one with you out on the course and

come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.

The golfer obviously accepted the man’s offer.

He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, “I think my driver will do the job.”

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, “No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.”

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about

10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. 31W439CeD9L._AA160_ Putting Green - Golf Ball Washer - Deluxe Ensemble - Par Aide Blue

And this was the way the rest of the game went – The robot’s suggestions were always correct and the man’s

played his best game ever.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.

Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said,

“I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.”

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, “Well the 18 holes is no problem.

However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.”

“COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could’ve complained about those robots? They were incredible!”

The man sighed and said, “Well, it wasn’t their performance.

It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway.”

The golfer said, “So then why didn’t you just paint them black?

 The man nodded sadly and replied, “We did.

Then four of them didn’t show up for work, two of them applied for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop and the other one thinks he’s a President!

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Category: the 19th Hole

About the Author ()

I am 73Years of age in real time but feel like a young 55 years Man. I live in Gods own Country Redland Bay Queensland Australia. I have Two Great Children and 4 wonderful Great Grand Children. I have a Son of 46 years and a Daughter of 45 years I am A widower of 8 Years .When My Sweet English Rose Brenda. Passed away from Diabetes and a Failing Heart caused by the Diabetes. Took her away from Us . I now Live For My Children and my Great Grand Children. My Wife and I were Married For 41 Wonderful Years and I miss Her so Much. I write poetry and have just published a book of Poems called Modern Poetry. By Bob William Raisbeck

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